The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: Evict the Four Horsemen First

Let’s talk about marriage. You may still be looking for the person. You may be in the middle of a honeymoon, or fifteen or twenty years into a shared life. Some call marriage the fulfilment of love, some call it love’s graveyard — but nobody who decides to marry wants it to fail.

The numbers are not encouraging. Take China: the divorce rate has climbed steadily since 2002, and in the first half of 2017 the marriage rate fell 7.5 per cent year on year while the divorce rate rose 10.3 per cent. Among people born after 1985 divorce remains stubbornly common, and among those born in the 1990s the first divorces have already happened.

The reasons vary: incompatible temperaments, diverging ambitions, poor communication, friction with parents or children. So how do you build a marriage that is actually good?

John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is his answer. Gottman is America’s leading researcher on marriage and family. He followed 650 couples for fourteen years, identified the problems that recur most often, and condensed what he learned into seven principles for a marriage that lasts.

The Four Horsemen

Start with why marriages go bad. Gottman names four signals, arriving one after another — the Four Horsemen, known in the Chinese edition as 批评, 鄙视, 辩护 and 冷战: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

One, criticism. Criticism is not the same as complaint: a complaint is about a situation, criticism is about a person. The husband forgets to take out the rubbish. “You forgot the rubbish again” is a complaint. “Can you not see it sitting there? Why are you always this lazy?” is criticism.

Two, contempt. Once criticism becomes a habit it easily escalates into contempt — mockery, sarcasm, the belittling of a person’s character. He loses some money, and she says, “Lost a little money, why not lose your brain while you’re at it? Not as if you use it.” If the person across the table cuts you like that every day, why would you stay in the marriage?

Three, defensiveness. Your partner points out a problem and instead of owning it you find an excuse and counter-attack: “Who hasn’t forgotten things? You lose stuff every day yourself.” When a marriage is full of defensiveness, no problem can be discussed, and grievances simply pile up.

Four, stonewalling. This is the worst of the four. Whatever you say, your partner does not respond; you are treated as part of the furniture, and communication stops. By the time a relationship reaches this point, the end is not far off.

The good news: when these signs first appear, a marriage can still be saved — as long as both people notice them and adjust together.

Principle One: Draw the Love Map in Detail

Two people move from acquaintance to intimacy by gradually learning everything about each other: what they like, what they hate, their odd habits, their closest friends, their dreams for their life. These details look trivial, but Gottman argues they are the foundation of a happy marriage — together they form the “love map” in your head.

The more detailed the map, the more ground two people have for understanding each other. When the map is vague, the marriage gets lost.

Among the couples he tracked, those who eventually divorced tended to share one trait: they lived under the same roof yet took no interest in the details of the other’s life. One paediatrician worked with near-obsessive dedication, but at home he could not remember his wedding anniversary and had no idea what his wife’s favourite dish was.

And the map cannot be drawn once and left alone. Life moves, and when your partner goes through something large — a baby, a job transfer, a parent’s death — it has to be redrawn. A wife has a baby; the former career woman may set work aside, and both her priorities and her view of work change. If her husband makes the effort to understand that shift, the two of them can move through it together.

Principle Two: Fondness and Admiration

Someone once said, “Happy couples like each other, or they are not a happy couple.” It sounds like a truism, but over time the flaws wear away the image your partner holds of you.

Gottman’s view: simply reminding yourself of your partner’s good qualities helps prevent the marriage from souring. When you feel admiration for someone, disagreement does not spiral out of control — you cannot stay angry at a person you like.

How do you know whether you still admire each other? Recall your sweetest memories together and notice whether warmth and contentment rise up. On television, old couples describing their decades together make you feel the warmth through the screen — that is the effect you are aiming for.

Two exercises:

“I admire.” List the three qualities in your partner you admire most — intelligence, practicality, organisation, say — and next to each write a specific instance, such as “he scores highly on every professional exam.” Then read it aloud to them. Once your partner knows what you like about them, closeness grows on its own.

Recall the courtship together. How did you meet? What do you remember most about the first date? What made you decide to marry? The more you revisit the happiness along the way, the less likely love is to expire.

Principle Three: Turn Toward the Small Bids

Falling in love lasts about three months, and then everything settles into routine. The two of you may still love each other but act less concerned: she talks about her office, he stares at the television and grunts “mm-hm.” That coolness leaves cracks in the marriage.

In fact, when your partner chats at you — complaining about a boss, gossiping about a colleague, mentioning a celebrity rumour — they are making a bid for your attention. Turning toward these bids sustains intimacy better than candlelit dinners or beach holidays.

How? Give attention and support. One morning he says, “I had a terrible nightmare last night, it scared me to death,” and you are rushing to work. You could say: “Darling, I’m a bit pressed for time — give me the short version now, and we’ll talk properly tonight, okay?” Instead of snapping “I’m in a hurry, not now” and walking out.

Conversely, the person receiving the attention should not take it for granted. You mention the detergent has run out and he orders it immediately; you have an important presentation tomorrow and she texts you encouragement first thing — both deserve a thank you.

You can also create chances for support: the stress-reducing conversation. Find a quiet moment, sit down, and take turns listening. Two rules: first, do not offer solutions — most venting is about releasing emotion, not about being fixed; second, side with your partner unconditionally. When she complains that she was late and her boss shouted at her, do not say “then don’t be late next time” or “your boss means well.” Say, “Poor thing, that’s so unfair.” Advice only has a place once the emotion has settled.

Principle Four: Share the Power

The old phrase “respect each other as guests” describes a couple who treat each other with honour. In reality many couples never reach equality, and the data suggests this shows up more often in men.

Inequality looks like this: not listening to your partner’s opinion, refusing to share power, deciding everything yourself, announcing decisions rather than making them. Research found that when a man refuses to share power with his partner, the probability of the marriage breaking down runs as high as 81 per cent.

The reverse also holds: respecting your partner’s views and deciding together makes a marriage more stable. When you disagree, the two of you can still negotiate something you both accept.

More importantly, a husband’s willingness to be influenced by his wife makes the first three principles easier to practise — knowing her deeply, admiring her more, paying her attention. Two places to start:

One, listen to her warnings and opinions. Women tend to be more attentive to detail and more sensitive to atmosphere. Listening to how she sees things often solves problems at home and between people more effectively.

Two, concede a little during conflict. She complains that he leaves the toilet seat up. Does he answer, “Why don’t you put it down yourself?” or does he simply lower it? The second costs almost nothing and dissolves the quarrel.

Some men will object: in our house the wife makes all the decisions. The same logic applies in reverse — give your husband room to express an opinion, concede at the right moment, and you avoid pointless conflict while earning a happier marriage through respect.

Principle Five: Put a Brake on Conflict

People praise a good relationship by saying “they never fight.” But life runs on groceries, cooking and cleaning, and friction is inevitable. What matters is how you resolve it.

First, separate the two kinds: a temporary conflict, or a long-standing problem.

Before dealing with temporary conflict, correct one mindset. A guest spills a drink on the sofa and you say, “No problem, let me pour you another; the cover just needs a wash.” Let the husband spill it and someone explodes: “How can you be so clumsy? Do you know how hard it is to wash that cover?” Polite to strangers, freely angry with your partner — that is one of the worst habits in a marriage.

Then three moves:

One, start softly. Research shows that a conversation tends to end the way it begins. If you open by shouting and accusing, why would your partner respond calmly? One soft technique is to use “I” more than “you”: if you think your partner spends too fast, say “I’d like us to save a bit more,” not “You just can’t stop spending.” State the feeling, not the charge.

Two, offer and catch the “olive branch.” In the heat of an argument, a wife says “I’m scared,” or a husband mutters “Sorry, I overreacted” — that is a signal to stop. Catch it. Do not let the fight keep escalating.

Three, learn to compromise. Two people digging in guarantees the problem never resolves. Happy couples take the attitude: whether or not I am right, if there is conflict, I can give a little. You step back, I step back, and most conflicts dissolve that way.

Principle Six: Live With the 69 Per Cent

It may surprise you: as much as 69 per cent of conflict in a marriage is permanent and recurring. The wife is tidy, the husband is a mess; the husband is careful with money, the wife spends lavishly on the pet — and they can argue about it for years.

Is there really no solution? Before looking for one, look at the root. Gottman argues that when a person insists on a particular behaviour, it usually grows from a wish deep inside.

The husband is careful with money because as a child his grandfather fell suddenly ill and the family could not raise the money for treatment; since then he has believed he must save. The wife spends on the pet because as a child her parents were cold and only the dog kept her company; she treats the animal as family and wants to give it the best.

What looks like an irreconcilable difference rests on two different histories and two sets of longings — and that is exactly where the opening lies.

Step one: understand yourself. Why can I not compromise on this? What is the deeper motive?

Step two: explain it to your partner. Tell them about your past and the wish underneath, so they understand why you hold this position.

Step three: seek a compromise. Sit down together and ask: where is each of our limits? How far can each of us move? The husband needs to save, but in fact he would feel safe with a hundred thousand in the account; if that number is protected, the rest is hers to spend freely. The wife needs the pet fed well and covered for vet bills; the expensive toys and grooming sessions can actually go.

Name what you feel, then negotiate an arrangement both of you accept — and a deadlock that looked unsolvable comes apart.

Principle Seven: Build a Family Culture of Your Own

People today care about culture: nations have one, companies and schools have one. Every household has its own micro-culture too, and it is central to keeping a marriage happy.

Family culture is made of particular rituals and values: a big meal out on payday, champagne whenever there is something to celebrate; or an occasional long conversation about how you see life, your separate dreams and your shared goals. A culture built together connects two people at a deeper level.

How do you create one? Three directions:

One, distinctive family rituals. Bake a small cake yourself on a birthday, give each other a massage once a week, have one romantic date a month. Ritual matters because it regularly binds two people together in a particular way — however busy life gets, a small ritual keeps the spark alive.

Two, talk about what marriage means. What role should each of you play — breadwinner and homemaker, or an even split? How will you raise children, how will you care for your parents? These need to be discussed. Shared expectations make a relationship steady.

Three, keep your symbols. The presents you exchanged while dating, the lamp you bought together when you married. Keep the objects that carry your shared memories close, and ordinary days have detail to return to.

Two People, Two Families

One unavoidable subject remains: the mother-in-law. The mother thinks the daughter-in-law is lazy; the daughter-in-law thinks the mother is closed-minded. Gottman sees the mechanism clearly: at the centre of mother-in-law tension are two women competing for the love of the same man. “Who do you save first when your mother and your wife are both drowning?” is a permanent puzzle for husbands.

His answer is unambiguous: the husband must stand with his wife. Hundreds of couples he observed confirm it — when the mother-in-law conflict arises and the husband sides with his wife, the tension eases quickly; once the mother accepts reality, she may even feel reassured that her child and his partner look after each other. If the husband stays neutral, or leans toward his mother, the conflict tends to escalate, and in serious cases ends in divorce.

The next generation brings its own difficulties. The data is striking: in the year the first baby is born, 70 per cent of wives report a sharp drop in marital satisfaction, husbands grow unhappy with their wives’ attitude, and conflict between the two increases noticeably.

Why? Their expectations move out of step. The wife has spent ten months becoming a mother; the husband may not have caught up. She thinks, “You’re a father now, why are you still this immature,” and he feels wronged: “We used to be so happy, and now you only think about the baby.”

The remedy is still to pull together: the husband adjusts quickly, accepts that there are now three of you, finds other ways to recover the sweetness with his wife, and enjoys being a father; the wife gives him room to bond with the child, and if she thinks he is doing it badly, says so gently instead of criticising him outright.

Conclusion

Whether the conflict is between the two of you, or arrives through parents and children, if both people are willing to cooperate, most of the problem is already solved.

A recap of the seven principles: know each other deeply, express fondness and admiration, turn toward bids for attention, respect and share power, put a brake on short-term conflict, dig into each other’s wishes when a problem is permanent, and build a family culture together.

A marriage does not collapse on a single day. It has warning signs, and it has methods. Send the Four Horsemen out of the house, turn these seven things into habits, and affection will grow closer, communication will run smoother, and the years will last.

Further reading: our review of Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married covers the premarital homework, and Nonviolent Communication supplies the technique behind a soft opening; for the finer calibrations of a relationship, see our reading list on intimacy.