Why Men Love Bitches: Stop Chasing the Scenery, Become It

Over the years of hosting my show, I have heard the same complaints again and again: “I quit a job I loved to end the long-distance thing.” “I gave myself to him early to prove I was loyal.” “I gave up my career and became a stay-at-home wife for the family and the kids.”

By any reasonable logic, sacrifice on that scale should earn you a place on a pedestal. In reality, these women often wear themselves into early middle age. Why? Not because they were not good enough — because they were too good, good enough to hand their whole selves to a partner, and that is exactly why they did not get what they wanted.

Sherry Argov’s Why Men Love Bitches argues that women should learn to be a little “bad.” Let us be clear: bad here does not mean playing the saint, playing the manipulator, chasing a man who will not look back, or wrecking someone else’s marriage.

The “bitch” in this book is a particular kind of woman: she seems to spend all her energy taking care of herself, and love comes to her easily. She has a mind and a soul, knows how to run her own life, and chooses her own road. With a partner she says what she thinks, never flatters on cue, and never forgets to build equality. She has her own money and understands that shared responsibility is what makes love last. The real “bitch” never gets lost chasing the scenery; she makes herself the scenery.

Argov is a well-known American relationship writer who has spent years answering the most concrete, almost trivial questions on radio and in her column: how to make a man fall for you, how to know he is in love, how to keep from boring him, how to handle sex, how to earn respect. They sound thorny, but in her view, once you become that “bitch,” the answers surface on their own.

Soul First, Equality Second

“Good looks are a dime a dozen; an interesting soul is one in ten thousand.” The passage in Jane Eyre still lands like a bell:

“Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you, — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh; — it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal, — as we are!”

That is Jane’s answer to Rochester’s testing. Charlotte Brontë wrote a woman who had been through the mill and still insisted on freedom and dignity — and she lived it herself. As a young woman she turned down two proposals because she could tell the men did not love her; they just wanted a wife. At thirty-eight, against her father’s objections, she married the man she loved.

So how does intellectual independence actually look in daily life? The book offers four moves.

One: choose the life you like. An admirer asks you to a movie, but you had already planned to go to the gym. If the gym matters more, say so and reschedule — do not scramble your own rhythm for someone else. Long distance is the same: if you love your job and your life where you are, do not abandon everything to follow him. Keep your own way of living, and you keep the initiative in your life.

Two: say what you think. At dinner he asks what you would like to eat, and you always say “whatever.” It is a small thing, but it is a chance to show yourself. Name two or three restaurants and say a word about each; he will think, this woman knows food and enjoys her life. Once you are together, disagree out loud even more. In a relationship where you accommodate everything, where do you get any joy?

Three: keep a healthy distance from men. On a first date you do not have to hand over your whole life story, from your current job back to the color of the skirt your kindergarten teacher used to wear. You do not have to answer every midnight call. Leave a little distance and mystery; do not attach your whole life to his.

Four: do not perform to please. The first time you visit his place, the room is too messy to walk through. If you immediately start cleaning and doing his laundry, then doing it becomes expected. You love him, so you can help — but if he does no chores at all and simply waits for you to deep-clean, are you his girlfriend or the cleaner he hired?

Intellectual independence tells the other person: we are equals. But a mind alone is not enough — every intellectually independent woman first has to be able to support herself.

Those Three Words: “I’ll Take Care of You”

In Stephen Chow’s King of Comedy, the struggling actor asks the club hostess, “What if I don’t go to work?” She fires back, “And who is going to support me if I don’t?” In real life, plenty of women have been talked out of their independence by exactly that line. Hear it as a compliment if you like, but do not take it seriously. Even if he really could support you, keep your own income — otherwise one day a bag you like or a dress you want has to be approved by your boyfriend, your husband, or even his mother. Imagine living like that.

Argov argues that financial independence is the modern woman’s best talisman, and that in a romantic relationship it gives her enormous power. Three reasons:

First, a man wants a strong woman, not a helpless little girl. A strong woman can support herself; a helpless girl can only lean on someone else. The man you love may be willing to support you, but the financial pressure on him will be enormous — and you do not want to watch him come home exhausted every night and then keep working overtime. Share the load and the pressure drops, along with the odds that he brings work stress home.

Second, you get to choose. When a man sees you as a little girl, he will not give you choices: what you can buy, what you cannot, how much of this month’s budget you may spend — he decides. With your own money, apart from whatever you both save together, how you spend the rest is none of his business.

Third, financial dependence means being controlled. A mind that is not independent lets a man be your brain; money that is not independent lets a man be your wallet. In either case he can control you completely and strip you of the ability to live on your own.

Beyond Independence: Learn to Be Vulnerable

Appreciating independence is one thing; being strong every hour of the day is another. Once you have been together a while, learn to show a little vulnerability and give him a chance to show what he can do — otherwise the signal you send is “I am fine on my own; I do not need a relationship.” That is probably why plenty of accomplished women stay single, and why the man you like may conclude you are not interested and go hold someone else’s hand.

Four ways:

One: praise him when he shows off. He takes you to a nice restaurant with good food and atmosphere — do not be stingy with the compliment. He spent a long time arranging it; sitting there tight-lipped is a real buzzkill.

Two: criticize less. If he leaves his clothes lying around, pretend you did not see it.

Three: sort out which jobs suit him. Men tend to be good with their hands: servicing the car, fixing things — give those to him. Women tend to be more meticulous: buying household supplies, tidying the room — take those yourself. If you insist he embroider you a flower before you will praise him, you will not get what you want, and he may make a note of it.

Four: ask for help. Get him to help you move; ask him to fix the alarm clock or change a light bulb. If you say, “I have Lalamove for the move, I can carry water up seven flights, fix my own toilet, and assemble my own shoe rack” — then honestly, you deserve to be single. Asking for help matters because it lets him feel needed, and that wakes up his sense of responsibility.

Is He Being Nice, or Is He in Love?

A man with a full skill set may just be enjoying the performance. To tell whether he has really fallen, watch whether he will do things that go against his own nature but please you. Watch what he does normally, especially in small things:

One: you or his friends. He has a basketball game with the guys tonight; you have just bought two movie tickets. A man who does not love you says, “We can see a movie any day; I haven’t played with the guys in ages.” A man who loves you drops it and goes to the movie with you. Putting you above his friends is a strong sign he has fallen.

Two: will he change his living space for you? He throws out the rattan chair you think is ugly and buys the sofa you like; he goes to great lengths to order a plush toy from overseas that you cannot get at home and sets it on the sofa; he puts up a poster of the star you like — the one he once mocked — in his study; he asks your opinion before buying an appliance. He may not even notice, but all of it is preparation for your arrival.

Three: is he planning for your future? One day you notice he has quit junk food and started working out, stopped staying up for movies and started learning about investing, and keeps talking about scenes from your future life together. You can pretty much conclude he is in love. Love is not talk; it lands in action.

Four: has he stopped noticing other women? In the mall his eyes no longer follow other girls; he is busy suggesting outfits for you. When another woman drops a hint, he turns her down flat instead of being vague. Those are signals too.

Don’t Be His Mother

Once the passion cools and the two of you start building a home, groceries and bills rush in. Many women slip straight into “mother” mode and start nagging like his mom.

Think back to adolescence: was your mother’s nagging not like a monk chanting? It works the same between lovers. The first time you nag, he complies; the second time, maybe still. After enough times he gets irritated, and eventually he stops wanting to communicate at all — like muting the TV because it is too loud, he mutes you.

Three alternatives:

One: turn responsibility into a privilege. Your husband will not drive the kids to school? Men are territorial; they do not want another man handling family business. So hand the job to another man — the neighbor, a male colleague from work. Before long he will take that “privilege” back on his own, which means taking the responsibility back.

Two: play it cool. “Cool” here means relaxed, unhurried, asking for nothing. You want a weekend outing; he says he is too busy with work. Do not nag — just be quiet. He will start wondering: this should have made her angry, so why has she not blown up? Has my influence over her dropped? Am I becoming invisible? So he starts paying attention, rearranges his work, and fights to free up the weekend.

Three: wake up his pride. When you need help — moving heavy furniture, the pre-holiday deep clean — do not mutter about it four or five times a day; just ask. When he starts, praise him, post a photo on Facebook showing off his boyfriend or husband skills. Once his pride is engaged, next time you will not have to ask; he will come help on his own.

Better to solve the problem a different way than to nag until you are unbearable. Do not let nagging become the wall between you and the person you love, and stop being his mother — go back to being his lover.

Conclusion

To recap the “bitch’s” path:

One: stay mentally independent, wherever and whenever. Read more, think more; a rich inner life is what gives you the right to choose how you live.

Two: learn to earn, and get truly good at something. If you can support yourself, you never have to attach yourself to anyone for material things.

Three: as the relationship develops, give him room to show off — and learn to read whether he is sincere. Let him give willingly and you keep the initiative; read him clearly and you will not get lost in love — and if he is not sincere, there is no reason to continue.

Four: cut the unnecessary nagging. Turn responsibility into privilege, praise more, wake up his pride in helping; stop being his mother and go back to being his lover.

In the end, self-respect and self-love are a woman’s most attractive qualities — the real secret of the “bitch” who finds love. When you become the one who respects herself, stands on her own, and believes in herself, love will come knocking.

Further reading: if you are working on speaking well, our review of Nonviolent Communication covers the other half of the same confidence — daring to speak the truth and daring to hear it; and our relationship reading list has more on boundaries and attachment.